


Who'd Steal from a Church?

by Eigon



Category: Good Omens (TV), Randall and Hopkirk (Deceased) (1969)
Genre: Gen, Ghosts, Post-Scene: Soho 1967 (Good Omens)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-03
Updated: 2021-03-03
Packaged: 2021-03-16 09:15:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29822709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eigon/pseuds/Eigon
Summary: One night in Soho, in 1967, Marty Hopkirk thinks he's seen another ghost.
Relationships: Aziraphale & Crowley (Good Omens), Marty Hopkirk & Jeff Randall
Kudos: 10





	Who'd Steal from a Church?

It was something of a surprise when the priest came through the office door of Randall & Hopkirk (Deceased). Recently, Jeff had been handling a long line of rather seedy divorce cases, so he smiled his brightest and most enthusiastic smile as the priest sat down on the other side of the desk. This would almost certainly be a change of pace. "What can we do for you, Father?"

"I'm rather afraid that my chuch is going to be robbed," the priest said. He extended his hand across the desk. "I'm Father Willett – 'Pop' Willett to my congregation – and my church is Our Lady of the Assumption and St Gregory in Soho."

"And have you thought of contacting the police?" Jeff asked.

An expression crossed Father Willett's face which was part annoyance and part helplessness. "They don't seem to be very interested."

Jeff leaned back in his chair. "So, what can I do to help?" he asked.

"I was hoping that you'd be prepared to guard the church," Father Willett said. "Stay overnight in the vestry. There's a telephone there so the police could be summoned quickly if anyone did try to break in."

"And do you have any idea what these thieves might be trying to steal?" Jeff asked.

Father Willett shrugged. "I haven't the slightest idea," he said. "We've got the usual church plate, which is kept in the safe in the vestry when it's not in use, but it's nothing of any great monetary value. There's a collection box in the back of the church, but that's mostly full of coppers when we empty it, so nothing of value there...."

"Any – I don't know – unusual statues, or candlesticks or anything?" Jeff asked.

Father Willett shook his head. "Only what any church would have," he said. "I really am at a loss to explain it, but my source for the rumour is very reliable normally."

"Did they have any idea when the robbery might be attempted?" Jeff asked.

"Some time over the next few days, I think," Father Willett said. "So you see, time is of the essence...."

Jeff handed him the list of his hourly rates. "This is what I charge for my time, Father. So, if I turn up at the church this evening with a couple of blankets and a thermos flask?"

"Oh, there's a kettle in the vestry, and tea and coffee," Father Willett said, "and we'll have a camp bed set up for you." He stood up and leaned across to shake Jeff's hand again. "This is a great weight off my mind, Mr Randall. Thank you, and I'll see you this evening."

"I don't like it, Jeff," Marty said. He'd appeared half way through the conversation, and had been standing beside the filing cabinet with his arms folded, listening.

Jeff swivelled round in his chair to look at the ghost. "Oh, I don't know – sounds like a doddle to me. I just have to kip down in a church for a few nights. Probably nothing will happen, and if it does, I call the cops. Simple."

"Well, you won't catch me joining you, Jeff," Marty said. "It's a Catholic church. You know, the ones who exorcise ghosts?"

Jeff grinned. "You worry too much, Marty."

That evening, Jeff set off for St Gregory's, and Marty set off for a walk around Soho. He justified this by suggesting that he might be able to pick up some extra information about the robbery, but really he was just unable to settle. There was something about this whole case that didn't feel right.

He paused to admire the vintage Bentley that was parked close to the Dirty Donkey pub. It wasn't the sort of car you expected to see – well, just about anywhere, these days, and especially not in the middle of Soho. 

As he watched, a man dressed all in black walked out of the Dirty Donkey. Although it was night, he was wearing sunglasses. He was making for the magnificent Bentley when another man stopped him. They spoke for a few moments, then the other man went on his way. The man in sunglasses turned to get into the Bentley – and there was another man sitting in the passenger seat, where there had been nobody just two seconds earlier. Marty's eyes went wide. That couldn't be another ghost – could it?  
He was wearing pale clothes, and he'd just appeared out of thin air. As far as Marty knew, only ghosts could do that. And, the man with the sunglasses could see him. They were having a conversation. So he must be like Jeff.

Marty knew that he couldn't be the only ghost with a connection to one living person who could see him, but he hadn't expected to see another pair like him and Jeff tonight, in Soho. 

Then the ghost opened the car door and got out.

Marty's eyes stretched even wider. This was a ghost who could touch things! He must be a lot more powerful than Marty was. 

The ghost walked round the car and stood on the pavement, watching as the Bentley pulled away. His clothes were pale, but not completely white, and the long jacket was cut in an old-fashioned style. That made sense to Marty – if he could touch things, he'd obviously been around on Earth for a long time.

The Bentley had disappeared down the street now, but the other ghost kept watching where it had gone. Then, without turning, he said: "You can come out. I know you're there."

Marty stepped out of the shadows. He hadn't exactly been hiding; it's hard to hide effectively when you're wearing a white suit, after all. "You can see me," he said.

The other ghost turned now to look at him. "I can see you," he agreed.

"So you are another ghost! I thought I couldn't be the only one with a human partner!"

Now the ghost gave a very small and rather sad smile. "I'm afraid not," he said, "and although the person you saw me with isn't exactly human, he is most definitely not my partner."

"But – I saw you appear in the car!"

"Not only ghosts can do that," said the – man? Entity? Not a ghost, anyway. "You shouldn't really be here, should you?" he went on.

Marty took a step back. "Now, you're not going to exorcise me, are you?"

"I wouldn't dream of it, dear boy – but if you're stuck here, and want to move on, I can help."

Marty folded his arms and put on his most determined expression. "I'm not moving on," he said. "Who'd watch over Jeannie if I wasn't here? And besides, Jeff needs me."

The entity nodded. "If you ever change your mind, come to AZ Fell and Co. Bookshop." 

"The big one, on the corner? So, you're Mr Fell, then? I'll remember, but I'm not ready to leave just yet." Belatedly, he remembered why he had been wandering round Soho in the first place. "If you're – not exactly human," he said, "maybe you can help me. You see, Jeff – my partner – well, he was my partner when I was alive – he's been hired to guard a church. Word is that there's a robbery being planned...."

Mr Fell had a determined expression of his own. "That's not going to happen now," he said firmly. "What you saw, in the car? I made sure it was called off."  
Whatever he'd done, he didn't seem too happy about it.

"Thanks," Marty said. Mr Fell was already turning away. "Jeff'll be glad to hear that."

Jeff was sprawled across a pew with a blanket around his shoulders when Marty appeared in the middle of the aisle.   
"I thought you said you weren't going to come near this place," he said.

"I'm not staying long," Marty assured him. "I just thought you ought to know – the robbery's off. I met someone tonight – he said he'd sorted it."

Jeff sat up straighter. "You – met somebody? You mean you've found someone else who can see you? Or was this another ghost?"

"I thought he was a ghost at first," Marty admitted. "I'm not sure what he is, but he's not human. He can do my appearing out of thin air trick, but he can touch things. There was this other guy, driving a vintage Bentley. I think he was organising the heist. I saw them talking together, and after that, he said the robbery's off."

"Told you this job'd be a doddle, didn't I?" Jeff said. "I wonder how many nights I can spend here before the priest decides it isn't going to happen?"

"That's defrauding the church, Jeff!" Marty said, in scandalised tones.

"That's getting my outstanding bills paid," Jeff said, reasonably. He got up and strolled towards the vestry. "Now, are you going to hang around looking disapproving, or are you going to let me get some kip?"

Marty disappeared.  
As he did so, all the candles around the statue of the Virgin Mary flickered out, and Jeff had to grope the rest of the way to the vestry in the dark.


End file.
